Today is one of those anniversaries you really don’t want to happen. Ten years ago my father lost his battle with lung cancer.
I was in my 40’s when he passed and living 1,500 miles away I saw him about once a year and we called every week or two. Although I was more attentive due to his diagnosis the last couple of years, he was always positive so I didn’t feel like time was running out.
The first year was hard but it got easier in subsequent years and I thought my grieving for dad was long in the past.
A Wound Reopens
This 10 year mark seems to have exposed a wound long hidden by a scab. I don’t know if it was the loss of my mom recently or the fact that it’s been a decade. Maybe a little of both.
As the date approached I felt it starting to weigh on my mind. My emotions began welling up with sadness, loss and wondering how the heck I would get through the day without mom’s shoulder to lean on.
You see, Mom was traveled across country to be with her children when our dad was on his deathbed. She stayed with us for two weeks just providing that quiet support. Her strength made the experience bearable even though it was the biggest loss of our lives.
This time she’s not here to give me that strength and I am already reeling from losing her.
For the first time, flowers from me will delivered to Dad’s grave site. I’ve never felt the need other than when visiting in person before. I had no idea how to accomplish it until I sent an email.
Who knew that there’s a florist who will place the bouquet at his grave and email the sender a photo? Well, my brother did and revealed he had been sending flowers regularly for years.
It’s also a day off for me. I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep my thoughts and focus on my work. Instead it’s a day to remember dad’s life and why he’s loved and missed. This time I’ll also think about the other person I’m missing.
It’s a day of remembrance.